Season 2018 ~ Mick's AFL Footy Blog

3 clubs, 23 rounds, A slab of passion….

Generals and Oxes everywhere

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Mickey Gee
Kim Jong-un waves to fans on his tour of the Carlton Football Club Win Loss ratio defense shield system.

Kim Jong-un waves to fans on his tour of the Carlton Football Club Win Loss ratio defense shield system.

Expectation, venting, grudge. The round 2 clash between Carlton and Collingwood drew 84,000 fans to the MCG. The ex coach Mick Malthouse versus the former loyal captain and assistant coach Nathan Buckley.

It’s pretty obvious Mick Malthouse loves to read and find inspiration in the classic texts from the antiquities. Who can forget such pearls as the “Ox is slow but the earth is patient”  – but the origin? Confucius? Yoda? Mal Walden? Try Tom Selleck for the movie High Road to China in the wake of the Star Wars Premiership Triology.

Don’t forget the derivation of the Pies infamous 2010 flag winning forward press from the teachings of ancient Chinese warrior Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

Even Western Bulldogs director of football Mao Tse Tung was mined for inspiration when paraphrased to describe Eagle Glenn Jakovich’s 90’s battle with Roo Boy Wayne “King” Carey:  “He who is not afraid of death by a thousand cuts dares to unhorse the emperor”.

It’s a long way from legendary coach Alan “Yabby” Jeans simple breakdown of football tactics:

  • You’ve got the ball
  • They’ve got the ball
  • It’s in dispute
  • What’s that chariot doing in the middle of the ground?
iluvcollingwood

Love for Sale

Spare a thought if you will for the Carlton Football club staff who are currently spending every waking moment trawling the collective wisdom of North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, looking for inspiration to lift Carlton into the eight. Some good quotes have been found but how do you incorporate references to boorst, rice and pork into the total message to the players?

Despite having a lot on his Plato, Mick went into this game perhaps under read and overlooking the philosophical motivation of one soldier who arrived at the Pies not longer after his own bunker was cleaned out in 2011. Enter Jamie Elliot who roamed free up forward, kicking 5 goals and being the difference in this over hyped game between the Master (the Ox)  and the Apprentice (the Earth).

The scorecard vision mixer at the MCG had a field day juxtaposing images of Bucks and Mick on the screen to test the crowd’s Pavlovian mood. Mick was booed roundly yet almost politely whereas Buck’s was cheered wildly.

I can cut Buck’s some slack on the odd broken phone in the box. He’s been one grounded Ox these last three years.

Collingwood 17 15 117 defeated Carlton 15 10 100

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9 + Lives

Posted on April 6, 2013 by Mickey Gee

5457967748_fc3dc0d857_mJeff Kennett sold off a lot of things during his time as Premier of Victoria in the 90’s. Power, schools, Gas, Freeways. If only he had got Cabinet approval to sell off his mouth. In the lead up to this Easter Monday game, Jeff basked in the media spotlight of “Jeff’s curse”.

The “curse” arose after some cocky post 2008 flag comments about Geelong’s weakness in application, their fundamental flaw. Sort of like a missing bit you only find when you get home to assemble an Ikea lazy susan. Since then the Cats have rammed home their lack of fufillment by beating us now 10 times on the trot since that underdog 2008 Grand Final toppling. Somehow the media forgot Jeff’s curse meant a whole different thing to the voters of Victoria.

In this game, the Hawks dominated most of the first half before the ole curse crept in – missing goals when the momentum was with us. At half time while workshopping hot cross buns as a tool to mentor Jeff into silence, I felt an unease for I knew the cats were coming back. And so it came to pass.

Defeat I could handle – not so Jeff. Like a steak held before your pet, 3AW had Jeff on the blower live to air minutes after the siren to hear his thoughts. Now, Jeff doesnt not take the call, not realise his is now longer president of the hawks, not realise his number one haircut makes for a good head for radio. No he rants that Hawk coach Clarkson has under achieved, has got to go, has a beer gut, is bad to his pets, doesn’t like his haircut, put holes in walls, wrecks phones, lost the 2011 prelim etc.

The uproar that ensues sees Jeff say…….sorry. What? The?

In a flash I see the curse lifted. Renewed I now know we will not be beaten an eleventh game in a row come the Round 15 rematch.

Jeff has spoken – again.

Geelong 13 15 93 defeated Hawthorn 12 14 86

Photo Credit: JamesDPhotography via Compfight cc

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Hop for your life

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Mickey Gee

The Japanese tourist chose the most poignant moment of the third quarter to stroll, without the need to show his membership card, down our aisle amongst the North Melbourne members to begin taking photos of his “experience” at an AFL game.

Quentin Lynch - CollingwoodShowing extreme patience with the Roos under siege from a rebounding Collingwood, the members tolerated his snaps of the stadium, the crowd and the exotic local sports cuisine. His final mistake to test the generosity of his hosts came when he turned the camera on himself for a selfie presumably with Quentin “The Pornstar” Lynch in the background.

A line had been crossed.

He’d traversed the boundary between archiving and indulgence. Normally good tempered bloke in front of me finally snapped and tapped him on the shoulder – “that’s enough mate” accompanied by a thumb pointing backward, hit the road Jack style.

He bowed with “of course, of course” and departed to stream the pics back to Japan. No one had the heart to tell him you can never get a signal out of Etihad

Taking heart from our visitors foray in the protected zone, a female Collingwood fan sneaks in to take the weight off her aching legs. Our member friend is on a roll and alerts the gatekeeper who asks for member credentials. She’s beaten and led away with enough time and space to get into her accusers ear as she passes.

I did not hear the full interchange but can report her retort as she was ejected was punctuated with “f’ing this, f’ing that”.


The match review will also have photos of Lindsay Thomas who collected Magpie Ben Reid off the ball. Both went down for the count, though Bucks later surmised in his post game press conference that Thomas was channeling a World Championship wrestling dive. Reid was escorted off, blood strewn, an unwilling outtake from a “The Life of the Orthodontist” educational video.

Thomas was in everything. Kicked three first quarter goals, kept the ball in the front half, was a constant stream of chat toward his opponents. He was denied an obvious mark in the third quarter, which would have halted the Pies run of 5 unanswered goals.  In fulfillment of the scriptures, the ball went out the other end for a major. Game ended effectively there.

Roos made a late charge but sprayed when had the chances. Pies looked cleaner despite host of stars out – Kraukeour, Shaw, Didak, and Ball. Lost Ben Johnson and Ben Reid by half way through the final quarter.

Look out for Quentin Lynch becoming a major social media star in Japan.

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Stand…and deliver

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Mickey Gee

fosters I got a ticket to the 2012 Grand Final, in standing room. It was pretty comfy compared to the good ole days…..

My first experience in finals standing room came in the 1974 Preliminary final in conditions that would even see battery hens quit laying on principle. I’d pre ordered my tickets months earlier via a Sun News Pictorial mail in coupon in the hope the Hawks could add to the 1971 prize.

Throw in a free for all on BYO packed deep into foam eskies and by quarter time the whole bay is collectively ready to sing Russian folk songs. Beer came in steel cans so be prepared for a dislocated ankle should you try flattening them.

The sound they made rolling down the terrace permeated the radio broadcast, shone through the TV replay, and became a cacophony live at the ground – especially as the game progressed. Standing room was a fortress, you could forget about struggling out for chips or more beer. In ’74, the bloke next to me silently acknowledges this by electing to toilet into his breeding collection of spent cans so as to not lose his spot. By half time he’s attracting the attention of the water authority who believe he ought to be charged rates.

dougwade2In the final stanza, burly Doug Wade’s flat punt splits the posts to confirm the Roo’s first grannies appearance for years getting over our heroes by 4 points.

It’s a knife to my heart and the crowd surge in the moment upsetting our can standing friend who momentarily loses toe contact with the refilled cans, then floats horizontally accross the air before crashing to earth amid his own cangrenades in a personal celluloid free replay of the Dambusters.

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Hawk Harlequin Horror

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Mickey Gee

I’ve just witnessed Wanda Jackson – the Queen of Rockabilly – at the Corner Hotel. It’s late and I’m now in Bridge Road waiting for a tram that never arrives. Cursing my luck I see the vision from Hawthorn’s past now incredibly offered up as “fashion” in the shop window.

The HarlequinIt’s that damn harlequin pattern ripped direct off the Hawk’s infamous 1995 preseason Guernsey. It’s too soon, why weren’t they warned. Is this the biggest fashion crime since Alex Perry “forgot” to wear socks to the Brownlow? The Harlequin traditionally represents the clown in Italian renaissance theatre. However, the real slapstick begins during the Hawks opening game in the preseason cup against Sydney (those bastards again!) in 1995.

With the lads decked out in a solid blue Guernsey adorned in brown and gold diamonds the sniggers begin early as fans realize this is a special moment in VFL/AFL history. The look of the Hawks and their general play propel even a sad clown to cheer up.

A philosopher once said “Be awesome or be shit just don’t be mediocre”. This notion underpins the proud position the Guernsey now holds as the worst footy jumper ever.

hawksIn the haute couture landscape, the harlequin is a form of patchwork, an apt metaphor for the footy thrown up by the lads that year under coach Peter Knights. It was all down hill from our opening act in this number, missing the finals for the first time since 1981 after finishing a “reach for the mogadon” 15th on the league ladder. The ignominy for Knights is later amplified when given the flick pass from Brisbane a couple of years later.

The Harlequin is also known to be a type of clown. Thanks Hawks marketing department.

You can still buy it. You still see the odd geezer wearing one at the footy.

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Return of the Wobble?

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Mickey Gee

It came down to this in the last round. 1 versus 2 in an orgy of strutting one upmanship on the eve of the 2011 Finals series. The night was perfect. No wind. A light dew on the grass. We’d fuelled up on lamb, salmon and red in the Lou Richards room before hitting the terraces. Started well. Cats looked in headlights. The March to October publicity gamble looked like genius.

Then came the second quarter.

The Pies defence was in disarray. In the Pie darkness of that quarter, Cats free and open picked up party time goals at will, sending ten over the goal umpires end and into the shocked faces of the Collingwood members.

Big Screen footage of a disconsolate Eddie McGuire, Collingwood President brought a mocking wry cheer from Cats fans only trumped when Cheer Squad member and minor celebrity Joffa appeared, slumped and beaten as if he’d just lost a 4th Division winning Tattslotto ticket.

Half Time brought scones and coffee and discussion centred on the inevitable comeback – it never came. Cats kicked the first three then the Pies officially gave it away. Later in analysis we determined:

– Jolly was shot. Woods in insurance since Mick never plays 2 ruckman
– Without Nick Maxwell in the backline there was no leadership or direction up back
– Cloke and Dawes need supply. Cut that off from the centre and they don’t kick goals.
– Kick long through the Pies press and then stroll back through the guts with a long kick to the tall timber to fight it out with Chappie and Jimmy B front and square if Pods or Hawka spills the specie
– Pendelbury gets heap of the pill but needs to lead that team when the scrap is on
– I was wrong when these two teams meet earlier in the year when I proclaimed that Geelong’s time had “gone to God”
– The art of the bounce is beyond the reach of tonights umpires.
– Is Jason Jason Venkataya still in the mix for goal umpiring in the finals series after being name an emergency for the Lions V Swan’s game?
– Have the Hawks got the cattle and the mongrel to put away the Cats next week for the first time since that great 2008 Grand Final?

Next week, we pump up for two games – Cats V Hawks on the Friday Night. Pies V West Coast on the Saturday afternoon. Big cold fronts are on the way. Gonna be wet, wild and windy. Bit like the stomachs of the Collingwood coaching stuff after this most untimely of floggings. The little man at the back of my heads thinks that these two teams may well meet again in September. Tonight will be fuel for the fire for the Pies when that moment comes.

Geelong 22 17 149 d Collingwood 8 5 53

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Dead Dog Rubber

Posted on September 1, 2011 by Mickey Gee

A tale of two clubs. One buoyed by pre season enthusiasm is bolted to its fate by the Presidential proclamation that the Dogs MUST make the Grand Final which seals Rocket Eades death warrant when the club fails to make the finals.

While imploding on injury, lateness to implement the press and a lack of form, off field tensions simmer as a new board assembles to challenge and the Footscray not Western Bulldogs mensheviks takes up barricades behind the West Footscray station.

The other club, unexpectedly finish strongly despite serious injuries to key position spine players to make the finals and resign their coach despite constant proclamations that it can wait til the end of the season. They announce a new away strip for the final round about Gold Coast suns and appear on the edge of a new dynasty.

So we come to this dead rubber where the most interest lays in whether Buddy can seal the Coleman with a well time timed about a young Dog defence. He doesn’t disappointed with a baulk and goal on 50 and then another. He misses 4 and could have finished with ten. Bazza Hall works over Gibbo in the first half and slots a lazy 3 goals. Hawks drop a man back in the second half and the Hall flood dries up. Its a sloppy game with a few highlights from Cyril and Buddy. Nice to see Michael “The Osbourne” back in the side too trying to take hangers and giving us some run around those flanks. Brent “The Return of Martin” Guerra bobs up for a goal from fitty proving theres plenty of power in those big thick legs. About the only negative is the constant stick that Hawk fans give to Cameron Bruce for even the slightest fumble, dropped mark, failure to shepherd, poor disposal, poor decision making, missed handball, failure to read the ball off the bounce, wearing Tucky’s old number or just for needing the lads from Advance Hair, yeah yeah.

Its streaming sun, there is no wind, the light is golden and the grass is also luminescent. Its nearly September, nearly finals time and the Hawks do enough to push on through to the greater quest that awaits. Bring on the Finals!!!!

Hawthorn 16 17 113 d Western Bulldogs 10 7 67

 

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Finals beckon or False Dawn?

Posted on August 28, 2011 by Mickey Gee

Pre game souvlakis, an air of expectation and a modest yet loud crowd in the House suggests a boilover is on the offing. Fremantle can still make the eight, the Roos can still make the eight – “mathematically speaking”. Of course mathematics can prove that you boss is a good bloke even if he is 3 standard deviations from the mean. Our last home Roos game and the crew is all in place on the members half forward flank, La Trobe street side, away from the gaspers smoke that floods the ground when the wind swings to the south west.

Freo, spent by a pre season and season proper of injury of Seige of Sarajevo proportions, are simply whipped by half time. Big Pav looks flat as the head on a Etihad latte and is resting in the red sub vest by half way through the second quarter. Big Drew Petrie cant be sighted but it doesn’t matter as for the first time we see the Roos dispose consistently, master the defensive lines and pump the ball into a forward line full of small and mid sized riches. Even Lindsay Thomas gets beyond the doubters as he bags a big goal and gets the cheer of the night, forgiven briefly, for his sea of points through the season.

Andrew Swallow is a gun at the bottom of every Roo pack. Goldy works over Big Aaron Sandilands. Only Fyfe, Johnson and Barlow put up some resistance. But its futile as the Roos greet the final siren 99 points up.

It all sets up a big game against the Saints the following week to decide the Roos fate. They need a few results to go their way but all you can do is look after your own fate. Saints have been a particular nemesis for the Roos the past few years so Boomer may be wise to not shift the booking for Mad Monday for straight after Round 24.

North Melbourne 21 17 143 d Fremantle 8 9 45

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Second Chance…

Posted on August 26, 2011 by Mickey Gee

Get an hour at the Three Crowns before this assignment to imagine what might be. After two lean seasons since the triumph of 2008, we discuss the ramifications on both our social calender and wallet should the Hawks join the Pies in the final four and with it, a guaranteed second chance. No seat for us at this one but I score one in the forward pocket at the death and look forward to Buddy driving goal after goal into my face. Like a christian facing those mythical lions I welcome the Buddy induced bruises should it mean a decent sniff of the September grass now only 2 rounds away.

Smack bang in the middle of the Carlton Cheer Squad but they are genteel in comparison to the Pies crew and we sense a Hawk ensemble about them ready to silence at the first indiscretion from the Blues. In the first half there are many as the Hawks physical pressure and long kicking to position carve em up. Juddy cant get near it and by the long break we’re up by 47 points – but – in the parlance of the 2009 membership slogan at Princes Park – We Know they’re coming.

It feels like a final, there’s 52,000 in the House and its 19 degrees inside and 14 outside. Seems to be lots of families around us with one mum or dad Carlton and the other Hawthorn and the kids all Carlton. Or vica versa. The tension within these units on such a night must be high. Someone always has to follow their pride for the sake of the family and “showing the kids a good time as well as lesson in being magnanimous in defeat”. Not to mention explaining those rarely heard obscenities. No wonder they call it the Nuclear Family.

And come they do, finding space at last as the Hawks seem to lose a yard and their intensity level at the ball and the press. Carlton get real close but Bryce Gibbs cant kick to save himself and his team.

We hang on and take the double chance. Carlton have one game to go and the bye, so when West Coast win the following day, they are consigned to fifth spot. Opens the door for North Melbourne and the lure of the following nights game against Fremantle ferments a Troo Roo plan on the drive back to Hawk Central (Central Highland division) where I stop before my Peter Hudson shrine to give thanks for September action.

Hawthorn 10 18 78 d Carlton 8 18 68

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Future Proof Pies

Posted on August 26, 2011 by Mickey Gee

The ol rivals meet in different circumstances regarding their relative influence on the competition. Saints enter this game on a roll having slumbered deep into the early part of the season with the post premiership draw/defeat hangover.

The Pies enter having smashed Port Adelaide the week before in Chad Corne’s last game. We get late into town with only 5 minutes spare to slam down a quick pot at the Three Crowns before the trek to the E. Meant to be a sell out but theres a number of “buggar it” causalities amongst the reserved seat holders and we fail to crack the 50K barrier. We crawl – me literally due to crutches – to the third level where our members seats are 2 rows back from the top of the roof where the chip frier smoke and second hand gasper exhale resides trapped for most of the game. Etihad is wide open behind the goals so much that when 15,000 assemble there to suck down their fags at half time the middle of the ground resembles a reenactment of Ash Wednesday.

Umpiring was hard to fathom. Players from both sides were here to play, move the ball and take on their opponents. The umpires for most of the night got in the way of this spirit pulling up players for minor indescretions that did not impact on the rhythm of the game at that moment. Undermined the contest to some degree.

Game is all forward press and holding it in. Riewoldt marks and goals early but then is rarely sighted after. Leon and Krakeour turn it on with goals you would swap an ice cream for. Leon’s is off one step but outside fifty after he drifted up off half back to keep his man accountable. Saints threaten but dont intimidate. They kick a few late ones prompting some to suggest Collngwood were under threat – probably more buggared from flogging Port. All they have to do is win these sloggers to shape up for September. Fans apparently chant accusations against Milne who bobs up very late to kick the goal that establishes him as the most prolific goal scorer at this stadium. Post siren its ugly up in the stands as proud Pies fans benevolently send off their rival supporters with a variety of abuse and reminders about both the one day in September….and October from last year.

Colllingwood 14 5 89 d St Kilda 10 10 70

We decide against Hawthorn V Port the following day – vindicated as Hawks thump em by over 160 points.

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